Welcome to Cliche Hell

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Happiness is not simply the absence of despair – Gordon Livingston 

I’ve heard the ‘light at the end of the tunnel’ phrase so many times that it’s lost the philosophical charm it once enjoyed.  People who use it mean well, and in some cases may actually believe it.

But I’m wondering if it happens for everyone suffering with depression.  It’s been 12 years since diagnosis, and 5 since the major meltdown.  With the exception of a few blips on a proverbial graph, I don’t feel or see anyway out of this.

I’ve taken my fair share of medications. Finding the right ‘cocktail’ has been difficult.  Perhaps, depression is an evolving target that requires constant adjustments in some people. I don’t know.  My psychiatrist is a highly regarded professional, and I’m fortunate to be treated by him - psychiatrists’s here mainly handle the medication side of things though – while not having time to integrate much of the cognitive part.  Being Canadian, this may be a by-product of a free health care system.

I have enjoyed and endured talk therapy with psychologists, went through a 10 week step program for mental health patients, participated in months of “rehabilitation therapy“, and read just about anything I can get my hands on to offer a new angle or idea.

It is hard to know where the disease ends and responsibility begins. If that thinking is founded in anything, it is most certainly a fine line that has yet to reveal itself.

I was wandering around the other day buying mother’s day gifts, and it was like observing a movie, as opposed to being myself in a normal moment.  At times my stomach was gnawing at itself…I got sick of whining in my head as a result of the whining in my head.  I was tired of driving myself crazy, over driving myself crazy.   Proclaiming I’m a shadow of the man I used to be conjures the pain of abhorrence.

Any day is challenging while living with depression.  The days when you can’t live with yourself are the most challenging, and I suspect may be an impetus to suicide for some.

Enough of this.  Pass me the benzodiazepines.

 

A Sunday Morning Interview With Jan Wong

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A person often meets his destiny on the road he took to avoid it. Jean de La Fontaine

One of the simple pleasures I have is to take a short drive on a Sunday morning.  There’s little traffic, I can enjoy a coffee, and visit car lots to discover my next fantasy.  It’s just a thing with me - yet it also provides a unique opportunity to think.

My drive was delayed this morning by at least a couple of hours.  While leaving the driveway I heard the beginning of an interview on CBC radio with author Jan Wong.  Her latest book ”Out Of The Blue; A Memoir of Workplace Depression, Recovery, Redemption and, Yes, Happiness” was featured leaving an overview of her battle with depression, her employer, and her insurance company. Could this interview have been any more relevant and interesting?

While my public profile is a shrinking violet next to Ms. Wong’s, I identified with her story on so many levels.  The embattled situation with her employer, who like so many other corporations, say they have inclusionist attitudes towards Mental Illness, yet do something completely different.   Her struggle with depression, especially as it pertains to the workplace.  Finally, the terrible saga with her disability insurance provider.

It all sounds too familiar, and I expect shockingly so if everyone out there came clean about it.  How many people are suffering with or without help in the workplace?  How many have been fired?  How many people need psychiatric care and don’t get it?  How many have been through an emotional and legal war with their insurance companies?

Well this slim shady is standing up and taking one for the team.  I have made the “mistake” of confiding in an employer about my mental health, and watching their eyes glaze and drift as if the reaction isn’t so brutally obvious.   I could write a book about the past 5 years with my insurer, barely surviving what little dignity I have left.  Most of all, the debilitating depression that continues to soil my life.  It may, just destroy me.

Getting back to Jan Wong,  a visit to her site revealed a link to ordering her new book (which I will do today), and also the video below giving us a hint of the ordeal with her insurer.

 Allow me to say again, that my insurer spent several days recently taking pictures and video of me, and most inappropriately, video of my wife and children.  The investigator outlined (in a report I obtained through PIPEDA), my driving to a grocery store and ‘walking’, ‘bending’, ‘pushing a shopping cart’, and so on.  The  Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders must be updated at once.

Ms. Wong, thank you for sharing your personal adversity to create opportunity for others.  Hearing your interview today was serendipitous.  Great West Life, I may understand why you are refusing to give me a copy of my surveillance video…

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16,644 Days Old

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“The wiser mind mourns less for what age takes away than what it leaves behind.” William Wordsworth

While recently researching biorhythms, I stumbled upon a quizzical website called bio-chart.  It proposes to give you a daily measurement and interpretation of your body’s natural biorhythm’s.

This phrase is credited to Dr. Wilhelm Fliess  who discovered identical rhythms in the case history of his patients.  He recorded physical, emotional, and mental phases in an active or passive standard.

What was especially interesting about the chart was listing your age in days as opposed to years.  The very concept of biorhythms are measured and diagnosed in daily cycles.  So after entering your birth-date, it comes up with your current cycle and provides a synopsis.

Now some may find this concept unbelievable but many athletes adjust their training around these cycles.  Other professionals in high performance environments swear by them.  I don’t know how I feel about them, yet I found today’s synopsis quite interesting.

It said; your general well-being is momentarily moderate.  Your tendency is  declining and getting worse promptly.  Based on how I’m feeling right about now?  I’d say they’re right on the money.  Probably not a difficult prediction to make.

But all of this started by examining why my anxiety and energy tends to wane early in the afternoon. There are many days which I return to bed for a nap around this time.  My coping mechanism is found in actually getting in bed, whether it be for 15 minutes or 2 hours.

A lot of people have a natural  energy “dip” in the afternoon.  The civilizations that have adopted and kept afternoon siestas figured this problem out centuries ago.  So, I don’t find this tendency overly troubling, yet I realize its probably compounded by depression.   Some argue that sleep-inducing serotonin can be found in many anti-depressants, and have a tendency to exaggerate these dips.

If you survey people about when their depression seems worse, the majority will say ‘in the morning’.  With some exception years ago, I don’t find this the case at all.  It’s predominantly worse mid-day. Strange.

I am 16,644 days old and sleeping more of them away than I should.  It’s a shame that knowing that really doesn’t change anything.

A Victim of my own Hubris

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Dreams of innocence are just that; they usually depend on a denial of reality that can be its own form of hubris.”  ―    Michael Pollan,    The Omnivore’s Dilemma: A Natural History of Four Meals

 I like nice things.  Yet like so many others, my financial means fail to meet the standards of my desires.  Means are often grounded in reality while dreams are floating in fantasy.   This has been an Achilles heel throughout my life, often resulting in false sense of status or unhealthy levels of debt.

I had been driving a 10 year old car until recently my wife and I decided it was time to upgrade and lessen the costs of repairs, etc. (This was largely made possible by her career status and not mine).  The car purchased was a model from a luxury brand and, 5 years old. We paid 35% of it’s original price in 2007. The payments are reasonable by any standards and probably lower than many reading this post.

I’ve been driving the car for three months and now that novelty is no longer a factor, there are questions I ask myself… what am I proving by driving a car I could never presume to buy new?  Is it smart to enjoy fine things at affordable prices or just plain vanity? Would the smarter choice had been to purchase say, a new Corolla?  Why not be satisfied with that?

Some might say ‘what’s the problem if the payment is the same?’  I can think of a few:

1) An expensive car tends to be expensive to repair irregardless of what you paid for it.

2) This car has a V-6 engine that requires premium fuel and that’s especially painful    these days.

3) What about a false projection of status?  On second thought, I’m not well enough to pretend or care.

The most profound thing about these actions is its demonstration of who we would like to be.  Ever stay in a pricey hotel room as a treat?  How about a pampering day at a spa? Or how about a meal out that is more than a weeks groceries? You probably don’t have to think hard to come up with an example. (Don’t get me wrong, it’s great to treat yourself now and then).

My late father – a better man than I – was disciplined in living and projecting within his means.  For example, his choice may not have been a corolla, but maybe a slightly used 2011 Impala or Camry with lots of warranty remaining.  His hidden message was simple – life can be incrementally better in small ways.

Which brings me to a conclusion…all of these things are just… things – mere possessions. You don’t take them with you when your time is up.   It doesn’t guarantee your health while your here either.  It hasn’t helped my illness one bit.

Will I ever actually do what I think at a moment like this?  I really don’t know…I’m prepared to accept that I’m just full of it.

 

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